The Doctor is Out. Managing Resentment as a Medical Wife.

11.21.2016

Our son when he was just a few months old. All the doctor none of the drama!

I recently received an email from a new friend asking how I was able to make it through med school, residency, fellowship and now attending life without harboring resentment and staying supportive. I laughed. I have not always been a doting superwife and mom. We argue, we ignore each other, we avoid the conversation. But we also love each other and have somehow managed to only get stronger year after year despite the hours, the patient complications, the late nights and the absence on the holidays.

The short answer is I haven't always and I still don't know how we get through every day. The longer answer I broke down into a few parts that have worked for us over the past 10 years. Here are some of the things I remind myself of when I start to get that bitter feeling creeping in:

1. Keeping busy. I was in grad school during his training and worked full time. I found that was helpful to kind of throw myself into that as well as working to keep busy. Over time that transitions to other hobbies/jobs/kids/things to do as well and evolves. The biggest thing I found to keep my sanity is really living my best life and chasing after my dreams and what makes me happy. I am his biggest cheerleader but I never stop cheering myself on too.

My husband is married to his job first and me second and it sounds horrible and sad but neurosurgery is that lifestyle where that almost has to be first due to the high stakes nature of it. Accepting that was tough at first but now I know it just is what it is. I always remember: even though his job is #1 he still loves me more than his profession.

2. Perspective. He is not out at a bar at happy hour every night or staying out late going clubbing ( I feel old even typing the word clubbing ugh my 21 year old self hates me. I can't stay out past 10pm anymore!). He is stuck at work (a place I know he would rather be anywhere else but). He wants to be home but is putting his life on hold to save others. Surely spending Christmas in an OR instead of holding his new son crushes him and would never be a choice he would choose to make.

3. Patience for Patients. When he is at work he is doing and seeing scary, horrible, amazing, life changing things. Medicine really is a calling and they are changing someones life. What a blessing and a burden to have that challenge daily. I feel bad complaining about dishes in the sink when he comes home and tells me how he was able to help someone walk again. Sure I would have rather gone out to brunch with him but to that person who he was with that morning they are given another chance at a healthy life. He has received cards and letters thanking him and given many tear stained hugs to the patients who he was with last Friday until 3am or on Thanksgiving Day. He sacrifices his time so that people can enjoy theirs more.

3. SanctuaryI try give hime some space to decompress and relax. This is so hard for me! Typing this out is a reminder that I need to work on this more. I have my own counseling practice and take care of a young child so I am chronically exhausted and need some me time too (I get it). I want to make home a sanctuary where we both can relax and unwind. I get resentful and want him to talk to me about the bills, and upcoming event and play with our son and help around the house etc etc as soon as he walks through the door. But then I remember the insane hours he just worked and how he's worried about a patient he operated on being paralyzed or if his patient in the ICU is doing ok.

Doctors take their work home with them and never stop worrying. He needs just a few moments to himself just like I do or else I will completely lose my freaking mind. I want our house to be as drama free as possible and a place we both enjoy coming home to. Although with a 1 year old a nice, quiet house is an oxymoron these days hey we still try. Even just 15 minutes when he walks in the door to himself will go a long way.

4. Doing my own thing most days. I don't really plan things around him and just assume he will be stuck at work. I do what I want and what interests me and if he can join its a bonus. I see friends and go to concerts and hang out with our squishy toddler. We also have to physically pencil in (sharpie in?) on the family dry erase calendar hanging in the kitchen a date night once a week. Its really important to do something fun together and remember what its like to be us outside of Dr. and Mrs.

I will say I am not always positive at all. I am bitchy and resentful sometimes (maybe more than sometimes). I take it out on him and he takes it out on me, and thats not right. Eventually you just find your own groove and how to help each other though the tough times.

At then end of the day I love him and want to make his life worthwhile and fun and meaningful and I want to see him happy. I know he wants the same thing for me too. Really no matter what profession someone is in muutal respect and love can get you through anything :) We are in our 3rd year of being an attending, we met in med school and are still figuring out how to make it work but I know it has all been worth it.

One year of awesome

7.05.2016


You think I would start feeling like a real mom after a year. Its still surreal to me that I created this little human and that he's mine forevah. I sometimes look at him and ask "are you really mine"? 

This past year has been the most exhausting, stressful and fulfilling I have ever crossed off the calendar. Somehow we got blessed with the worlds worst sleeper (yay us) and he has not slept through the night once in 365 days. Somehow your body and mind just adjust and I was one who before kids needed like12 hours a night so thats saying a lot. I just got rid of any expectations and assume Ill never sleep again ha-that way Im never disappointed in the morning. 

But in all seriousness though I am very fortunate to have a healthy, happy little boy and if I have some broken sleep hey in the grand scheme of things whatever. Lots of my friends complain about time going so fast and how they wish their babies would stay little. I kind of look at it different though. Not every child is lucky enough to be able to celebrate another birthday and I am so happy to be able to watch time pass and see him grow right before my eyes. 

Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from our one year shoot. We got to do them in our kitchen and had a cooperative baby. I wish I could have a pro photographer follow us around every day I love how they turned out!

Bad hair day in the am shockingly looks good in this one!
He is my son! Loves cake
The look on his face!

One from earlier in the day to show what real life vs. edited photos is like



September Stitch Fix

9.12.2015

I'm finally coming out of the newborn fog since my little guy will be 3 months on Friday! Now that he's almost sleeping through the night (God bless America!) I've been taking more trips out of the house. I feel human again and turned to stitch fix for some cute new clothes. 

Sorry for the grump face pictures but I was able to get all this tried on while the baby was napping! Here's what I ended up with this month:

Market & Spruce Alan French terry asymmetrical zip cardigan. So soft and really cute for a light fall jacket. I like it both zipped and unzipped:





Market & Spruce Pacci Cowl Neck Serater. Very cozy and perfect for the cool fall days coming up:



Henry & Belle Paulie high waist skinny jean. Quite possibly the most comfortable jeans I've ever put on. And that's coming from a 3 month postpartum mom with some work on the middle to do! Long enough and so soft I'm in love:



Pixley Kendahl skirt. This is really cute but I had to suck in a bunch to get it on. Breathing might make this difficult to wear around ha. It's too bad because
I'm looking for more dressy pieces to wear to charity meetings and functions:



Lastly this fun2fun Broderick cut-out detail top. It was too tight and short on me but hey 3/5 isn't bad for this fix:



If you're wanting to try out a fix for yourself check out my referral link: https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/3436472








He's Here!

8.02.2015

Well he has actually been here for 6 weeks now. I'm finally coming out of the zombie sleep deprived mode and wanted to share a couple pictures. I have a fantastically talented friend who took some newborn shots for us and I am thrilled at how they turned out.

We were able to use his dads stethoscope and reflex hammer and incorporate it in these shots-so fun!

I found the cutest little scrub set when I first found out I was pregnant and seeing him in them was just the cutest thing ever :) Being a mom is by far the best thing I have ever done, every exhausting minute. The love you can have for this tiny little clone of you and your husband is beyond words.




Baby Boy Nursery Tour

5.26.2015

We finally got our nursery finished this weekend! I will be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow and its so nice to have this crossed off the list. Now all it needs is a little boy to complete the look :)

Even before we found out we were having a boy I knew I wanted to do a classy, more mature neutral nursery. I loved the look of restoration hardware baby rooms and set out to replicate that but in my own way.

I went with a pallet of neural colors. The paint color is coventry grey by Benjamin Moore and I am so pleased with it. I could have paired really any colors with it, such a fabulous neutral. In fact my mom and sister have actually painted their bedrooms this color they liked it so much!

We ordered our crib, dresser and bookshelf from a Michigan company called Windmill Designs and this is the Waverly collection. It was all custom made right here in our home state and a nice solid wood. It was totally worth the 4 month wait!

The animal wall art is from etsy and she has the most adorable custom nursery artwork I've found! Check her out here

The crown, elephant rocker and letter K are from Restoration Hardware. The crown was actually my first purchase and we kind of worked the room around it, going with silver accents.

The rocker is by Monte and is the Joya. It is very small and not the super plush, large glider that many people are used to. It fits our smaller room perfectly and I think it will do the trick for late night nursing sessions. Its also the leather version so Im hopeful it will be easier for clean ups.

The elephant wall print is from Pottery Barn kids and so is our bedding (the Taylor organic collection) and rug which has a cute elephant print as well.